They don't know about the dates we do, they don't know about the i love you's, bet I bet if they only knew, they would just be jealous.
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Wednesday, 19 March 2014
So, time is flying, it's alrdy 20th March, as of this moment right now.
I'm kind of having mixed feelings, about one more month and Poly life for me, no more sleeping at 5am, no more waking up at 12pm, fetching Dani from school, having the freedom to do whatever I want.
Once Poly starts, that's it, 6 months of freedom is over. That's long. I intended to get a job, but I'm kind of glad that I didn't, because when else would I find free time for myself, when Poly starts? When else is my life going to be as carefree as this again? Never in the near future, I guess.
Poly life is kind of intimidating, I'm scared that I will be scrutinized for the way I dress, because we're allowed to wear whatever we want. I'm scared that I'm unable to make any friends or hold a proper conversation with someone, that lasts for more than 5 seconds. All my secondary school life, I've been like in my own comfortable bubble, only hanging out with my clique, and now suddenly I'm thrusted into another world where I have to stand up for myself and learn how to survive. In other words, I have to be street smart.
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Anyway, I've gotten a lot closer to my sister, and it kind of brings me joy to think that she can divulge any secrets in me, or confide anything, to know that she trusts me puts me over the moon. I've been feeling bad lately, because I've been neglecting my own mother, and blaming her for almost everything. Some nights, I lay awake and just stare at the ceiling, and wonder if she ever wanted to turn out like this. What it must feel like to have a daughter like me, who never looks at her in her eye when I talk to her, who talks to her half-heartedly, who does things with a "fuck-it" attitude. I'm not proud of it, I know that I'll regret it when she's gone, and no matter what she say or does to me, she will always be my mother. And at the end of the day, she is the one that I have to thank for, for giving me a chance to be in this world, and I repay it by being rude. She spent all her life, waiting for me to live, while I spend all my life, taking care of her, waiting for her to pass on. That's the unfortunate difference.
I look at her and I wonder if this is the life that she wanted, that she dreamt of, if this is the family of her dreams. And people don't change overnight, but I'll work on it, to be a more filial and loyal daughter. I may not show it, but I feel it.
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I've been having alot of conflicting feelings inside of me nowadays, alot of scattered thoughts, and I need time to sort it all out. To figure out, what is it that my heart wants to tell me, without my mind interfering. To find out how I really feel, towards the changes in my life right now. I need time to figure out all this.
It's 2:09 am now. I'm probably going to tumblr for abit, roam around Habbo for awhile, and go to sleep as I'm going ice-skating tomorrow.
With that, good night to you.
Wednesday, 5 March 2014
Wow, decided to blog after a short hiatus (note the sarcasm). Last time I've blogged was 6 November 2012, and today is 5 March 2014. Wow, time really flies, so I guess I was a little bit emo, down, depressed and every negative feeling or emotion a person could possibly feel.
So a short update on my life over the past 1 year and 3 months,
we've resolved the fight shortly after school reopened on 2013, none of us talk about it, it is considered a taboo subject, so I've decided to let everything go. Some days I do feel unjustified and angry, but I've decided to forgive and forget.
So anyway, alot have happened over the past year. I've sat for my 'O' levels, gotten back the unsatisfactory results, I've applied for a school, got posted into my new school. So..... I've got posted to *drumrolls*
TEMASEK POLY CHEMICAL ENGINEERING
So that happened, and that was my fourth choice. First was Pharmaceutical Science, second was Law & Management and third was Aviation. Coincidentally (maybe not so much), my sister is in Chemical Engineering too, and I promised myself to work tenfold harder, to prove to people that going to JC is not everything, and I can have a bright future regardless.
So that's the glimpse of my future, so let's talk about the present.
So, since 1 December 2013, my house has been pretty crowded, chaotic and noisy.
I'll talk about it in the next post, as it is pretty long and quite confusing it may meddle with your incompetent brains.
Just kidding.
timecheck: 4:23pm
So that's the glimpse of my future, so let's talk about the present.
So, since 1 December 2013, my house has been pretty crowded, chaotic and noisy.
I'll talk about it in the next post, as it is pretty long and quite confusing it may meddle with your incompetent brains.
Just kidding.
timecheck: 4:23pm
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
When is it my turn to finally be happy? Clear of all worries, leading a carefree life, and most importantly to feel wanted.
I don't know how it all started, but what I know is that it has been going on for a month and three weeks, entering two months next Wednesday. I used to have everything, people I love by my side, but I just lost them. It's like as if I was losing a grip on everyone in my life, they keep drifting away from me and I can't do anything about it.
I don't know where else to let it all out and this blog is private so it's pretty safe to let everything out here, I guess.
Everything started on the 26th of September. I
Suddenly, the two who I was the closest to, who I thought will be by my side forever, won't leave me for the world, started ignoring me. Now that I think back, it's absurd. A weird reason; they just felt like it. That's their reason and I can't really come to terms with it as it's rubbish. So you just ignore your best friend because you "feel like it?" Well, then can I stab you with a knife and pass it on as a remark, "I feel like it." Can I? Well, I certainly can, if I think the way you pea-brained people think.
It's funny, childish and immature, the more I think about it. Why do we fight? If it's a proper reason, a real reason, I would have accepted it, and lowered my ego and apologise. Scratch that, even when they said that they felt like ignoring me, I apologised nonetheless. I threw my pride away to save this friendship, I made the first move. I approached them first because to me, they are valuable, I care about them and I don't want to lose them. We only have one more year until we graduate, seperate from each other, lead our own lives. Why do we have to spend our one year+ with each other like this?
Actually, it's me who is suffering, not them. I'm the one hurting. Because they decided to ignore me, the clique split into two groups of threes. Two would go to me and three of them would be together.
But even when I have friends, I feel like I have none. When I'm in a room full of bustling people, I feel like there's no one. I won't lie, yes, I was suicidal at one point of time. Everything was too overwhelming, I can't cope with it, the loneliness, everything. I started to think that I was a burden to everyone, everyone will be better off without me in the picture, I'm a waste of space and air and oxygen. I tried to cut myself one day, just wanted to relieve myself of the pain when the doorbell suddenly rang, stopping me before I even started.
Was it coincidental or was God trying to stop me?
You know, they always say that "God won't take something away from you without having any intention of replacing it with something better." I believe in God, I really do. But, I'm waiting, I'm waiting for something good to happen to me, but then I realised that I'm waiting for nothing. The only thing that is holding me together, tying the broken pieces of me is this quote, "The sun always shines after a stormy day."
When is my Sun shining? When is my Sun going to surface from the storms I've been experiencing for these past two months?
Life is hard, really it is. I dread going to school now. I have two friends who are hanging out with me, who was originally from the clique. But I know, that given a choice they won't go with me. Heck it, who would? I'm just a pathetic loner, aren't I, I have nothing to offer to them. I know that they don't care. I've made myself believe that nobody cares, I only have myself to depend on and I can't break down. I cannot, I must be strong for myself, I'm my own pillar of strength and support, fuck everyone.
They all leave in the end.
I like being alone but I hate feeling lonely. What goes around comes around, I'm just waiting for karma to come and hit them. I've grown to hate them, how they made me so weak and vulnerable, how they made me so pathetic. How they just walked out like that, and they call themselves my "best friend", well used to. I don't know what to do, I really don't.
I can't wait to go to college. I want to forget about my past, forget about everyone. Find a new identity, live, love, laugh, lead my own life. Leave everyone behind and embark on a new future alone. They five can have a happy reunion without me, I'll be much more happier without them. But the thing is that, I'm seeing them everyday in school so, it's hard.
And I tried to tell some people about my problems, but come on! Do they even care? As long as it's not theirs, they won't. They don't understand the least what I'm going through. I may look like I'm surviving but I'm barely coping. Nobody understands, because it's not them who is going through all this shit, it's me. I bet if they tried to live my life for a day, they won't survive. If everyone put their troubles into a pile, they would all take theirs back.
There's more to it, but I've decided to cut it short. Maybe I'll blog about the incidents that happened to, but for now, I just decided to give a brief overview.
Timecheck (10:59pm)
I should sleep right now, I have O's tomorrow and I've not even touched my books yet. I'll sleep and wake up to study. Goodnight and to end it off,
let's be happier.
Monday, 5 November 2012
This feels weird. I felt like going back to blogging again, for no apparent reason. Maybe it's bc I feel that I have no one to tell my problems to, my secrets to because nobody is really there for me and I need to let everything out.
2:54am (timecheck)
I'll put in a more detailed post in the future but it's time to sleep as I have school tomorrow.