They don't know about the dates we do, they don't know about the i love you's, bet I bet if they only knew, they would just be jealous.
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Tuesday, 6 November 2012
When is it my turn to finally be happy? Clear of all worries, leading a carefree life, and most importantly to feel wanted.
I don't know how it all started, but what I know is that it has been going on for a month and three weeks, entering two months next Wednesday. I used to have everything, people I love by my side, but I just lost them. It's like as if I was losing a grip on everyone in my life, they keep drifting away from me and I can't do anything about it.
I don't know where else to let it all out and this blog is private so it's pretty safe to let everything out here, I guess.
Everything started on the 26th of September. I
Suddenly, the two who I was the closest to, who I thought will be by my side forever, won't leave me for the world, started ignoring me. Now that I think back, it's absurd. A weird reason; they just felt like it. That's their reason and I can't really come to terms with it as it's rubbish. So you just ignore your best friend because you "feel like it?" Well, then can I stab you with a knife and pass it on as a remark, "I feel like it." Can I? Well, I certainly can, if I think the way you pea-brained people think.
It's funny, childish and immature, the more I think about it. Why do we fight? If it's a proper reason, a real reason, I would have accepted it, and lowered my ego and apologise. Scratch that, even when they said that they felt like ignoring me, I apologised nonetheless. I threw my pride away to save this friendship, I made the first move. I approached them first because to me, they are valuable, I care about them and I don't want to lose them. We only have one more year until we graduate, seperate from each other, lead our own lives. Why do we have to spend our one year+ with each other like this?
Actually, it's me who is suffering, not them. I'm the one hurting. Because they decided to ignore me, the clique split into two groups of threes. Two would go to me and three of them would be together.
But even when I have friends, I feel like I have none. When I'm in a room full of bustling people, I feel like there's no one. I won't lie, yes, I was suicidal at one point of time. Everything was too overwhelming, I can't cope with it, the loneliness, everything. I started to think that I was a burden to everyone, everyone will be better off without me in the picture, I'm a waste of space and air and oxygen. I tried to cut myself one day, just wanted to relieve myself of the pain when the doorbell suddenly rang, stopping me before I even started.
Was it coincidental or was God trying to stop me?
You know, they always say that "God won't take something away from you without having any intention of replacing it with something better." I believe in God, I really do. But, I'm waiting, I'm waiting for something good to happen to me, but then I realised that I'm waiting for nothing. The only thing that is holding me together, tying the broken pieces of me is this quote, "The sun always shines after a stormy day."
When is my Sun shining? When is my Sun going to surface from the storms I've been experiencing for these past two months?
Life is hard, really it is. I dread going to school now. I have two friends who are hanging out with me, who was originally from the clique. But I know, that given a choice they won't go with me. Heck it, who would? I'm just a pathetic loner, aren't I, I have nothing to offer to them. I know that they don't care. I've made myself believe that nobody cares, I only have myself to depend on and I can't break down. I cannot, I must be strong for myself, I'm my own pillar of strength and support, fuck everyone.
They all leave in the end.
I like being alone but I hate feeling lonely. What goes around comes around, I'm just waiting for karma to come and hit them. I've grown to hate them, how they made me so weak and vulnerable, how they made me so pathetic. How they just walked out like that, and they call themselves my "best friend", well used to. I don't know what to do, I really don't.
I can't wait to go to college. I want to forget about my past, forget about everyone. Find a new identity, live, love, laugh, lead my own life. Leave everyone behind and embark on a new future alone. They five can have a happy reunion without me, I'll be much more happier without them. But the thing is that, I'm seeing them everyday in school so, it's hard.
And I tried to tell some people about my problems, but come on! Do they even care? As long as it's not theirs, they won't. They don't understand the least what I'm going through. I may look like I'm surviving but I'm barely coping. Nobody understands, because it's not them who is going through all this shit, it's me. I bet if they tried to live my life for a day, they won't survive. If everyone put their troubles into a pile, they would all take theirs back.
There's more to it, but I've decided to cut it short. Maybe I'll blog about the incidents that happened to, but for now, I just decided to give a brief overview.
Timecheck (10:59pm)
I should sleep right now, I have O's tomorrow and I've not even touched my books yet. I'll sleep and wake up to study. Goodnight and to end it off,
let's be happier.