Wednesday, 19 March 2014

So, time is flying, it's alrdy 20th March, as of this moment right now.

I'm kind of having mixed feelings, about one more month and Poly life for me, no more sleeping at 5am, no more waking up at 12pm, fetching Dani from school, having the freedom to do whatever I want.

Once Poly starts, that's it, 6 months of freedom is over. That's long. I intended to get a job, but I'm kind of glad that I didn't, because when else would I find free time for myself, when Poly starts? When else is my life going to be as carefree as this again? Never in the near future, I guess.

Poly life is kind of intimidating, I'm scared that I will be scrutinized for the way I dress, because we're allowed to wear whatever we want. I'm scared that I'm unable to make any friends or hold a proper conversation with someone, that lasts for more than 5 seconds. All my secondary school life, I've been like in my own comfortable bubble, only hanging out with my clique, and now suddenly I'm thrusted into another world where I have to stand up for myself and learn how to survive. In other words, I have to be street smart.

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Anyway, I've gotten a lot closer to my sister, and it kind of brings me joy to think that she can divulge any secrets in me, or confide anything, to know that she trusts me puts me over the moon. I've been feeling bad lately, because I've been neglecting my own mother, and blaming her for almost everything. Some nights, I lay awake and just stare at the ceiling, and wonder if she ever wanted to turn out like this. What it must feel like to have a daughter like me, who never looks at her in her eye when I talk to her, who talks to her half-heartedly, who does things with a "fuck-it" attitude. I'm not proud of it, I know that I'll regret it when she's gone, and no matter what she say or does to me, she will always be my mother. And at the end of the day, she is the one that I have to thank for, for giving me a chance to be in this world, and I repay it by being rude. She spent all her life, waiting for me to live, while I spend all my life, taking care of her, waiting for her to pass on. That's the unfortunate difference.

I look at her and I wonder if this is the life that she wanted, that she dreamt of, if this is the family of her dreams. And people don't change overnight, but I'll work on it, to be a more filial and loyal daughter. I may not show it, but I feel it.

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I've been having alot of conflicting feelings inside of me nowadays, alot of scattered thoughts, and I need time to sort it all out. To figure out, what is it that my heart wants to tell me, without my mind interfering. To find out how I really feel, towards the changes in my life right now. I need time to figure out all this.

It's 2:09 am now. I'm probably going to tumblr for abit, roam around Habbo for awhile, and go to sleep as I'm going ice-skating tomorrow.

With that, good night to you.

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